Trigger Warning: Rape, Rape Culture, Sexual Assault
I think it’s important to really talk about Rape and Rape culture. Yes its beginning to be talked about seriously, but we (women) are STILL putting in the work to educate folks on taking “No” as a fucking answer. So let me take this opportunity to educate you on what rape is. Mainly , because we live in a society where people even question and debate if someone was raped or not, I’m going to explain to you what rape is.
This is the first of a mulit-part series on the culture of rape. We will define and discuss rape, rape culture, and how we’re failing our young (black) girls. I’m going to be honest, talking about this is very mentally and emotionally draining so this series may span months, even years, but it WILL BE discussed.
Today, though, I’m just going to define rape for you. And I won’t be using fucking tea to describe it.
Now you know I love definitions, so let’s start with some basics. Afterwards, I’m going to break it all the way the down for those who just can’t seem to grasp it.
Autonomy (taken from Merriam Webster) – the quality or state of being self-governing
Now let’s break this definition down further for our bodies.
Bodily Autonomy (which for the rest of this blog will just be referred to as Autonomy) Self-governance over a person’s own body. It’s as fundamental as breathing.
Consent (taken from Merriam Webster) – approval of what is done or proposed by another
Sex – lust , attraction, and/or desire manifested through a series of physical connections, including copulation, between two or more individuals that result from verbal, behavioral, and emotional consent
No – a full and complete sentence. It is a declarative sentence. It is an imperative sentence. It is an exclamatory sentence. In matters of sex, No is NEVER an interrogative sentence.
Yes I took it to grammar school English for you. Cause yeah, we are on some basic level shit and this NEEDS to be understood. No does not need explaining. No does not need supporting evidence, it’s not a fucking thesis. No does not need justification, ESPECIALLY when it comes to someone else’s body.
The Rape Spectrum – There isn’t one. STOP
There is no such thing as non-consensual sex. Sex by nature is consensual. Anything else is rape. Stop trying to make it something it’s not. Date rape, acquaintance rape, marital rape, dubious consent…uuum motherfucker it’s all rape. There is no spectrum. Rape is rape. There is no context. There are no adjectives.
If you are uncomfortable with this, imagine being a woman in a culture where it’s prevalent.
The Rape Breakdown – For Those Of You Who Still Don’t Get It
A woman never loses her right to say “No”. NEVER. At any given time she can back the fuck out. A woman has a right to her own body.
Marinate on that. Absorb it. Repeat It. Learn it. Become one with it. This is for men AND women.
Let’s break that down for those in the back:
- She said “Yes,” before. She has had sex with you before. Guess what? She can still say “No,” at any given time. Having sex in the past isn’t a lifetime membership to her body. Her body is not the got damn gym. She’s a HUMAN BEING.
- She flirted. So fucking what? If she rubs her titties all down someone’s back, she still has the right to say “No” or “I don’t want to” or “Back the fuck up” or any variation of “No”. Respect that!
- The man is already balls deep, feeling good. So what? The man’s job when she says “No” or “Stop” is to pull the fuck out. No questions. If you get confused by that, get a fucking safe word. Have a conversation BEFORE sex. Understand the language. If you decided on a safe word vs “No,” Cool. But when she says Rutabaga, pull the fuck out IMMEDIATELY.
- She went to a party that had a bunch of men and drinking. So what motherfucker? Unless you’re cool with me sticking my dildo up your ass next time you go to a party (I may or may not use lube), then NO, going to a party does not equal consent. An assault should never be the consequence of a party. If you think it is, then you’re a rapist.
- She was naked. Again, so what. A woman can play with her clit in the middle of Times Square and that gives ABSOLUTELY no one, I mean NO ONE the right to touch her. Her actions on her body do not give others permission to do ANYTHING to it.
- She wore revealing clothes. Um, so what motherfucker? What a woman puts on her body is not indicative of her wanting someone IN her body or ON her body or even NEAR her body. It’s HER body. She can wear what she wants, how she wants. What someone wears is not for the pleasure of someone else, and even if it is, so what. It’s called autonomy. And as a side note that also goes for women who are covered from head to toe. Because they also have a right to wear what the fuck they want without anyone shaming them or downing them for covering THEIR body (works both ways people)
- Her relationship status – being a girlfriend, wife – yes I said wife, fiancé, or any form of boo piece to another person NEVER negates their right to say “NO.” “I do,” “I will,” or “we booed up” doesn’t mean another person Lords over them. And please people, when you throw around the word submission, understand its context and what it means. It DOES NOT mean nor has it ever meant “That pussy is mine and I can take it when I want.” if you believe that, you’re a fucking rapist.
- She went to the hotel room or his house or his cousin’s house or any variation of a (temporary, permanent, or borrowed) domicile. “Yeah, I mean she knew what was up. Why go?” Uuuum, even if she did “know what was up” she can still CHANGE HER FUCKING MIND (See #1). And to be clear, unless someone says “Please come to my hotel room, so I can take your body, your dignity, and your sense of trust.” then no, you can not expect someone to “know what’s up.” And even if they did, if they at anytime think “Nah, I’m not feeling this,” then they can say “No,” “Stop,” “I want to leave,” or any other variation of “We ain’t fucking!” You MUST respect that.
- It was a Netflix and Chill night and she actually wanted to watch a movie and chill. “I mean who doesn’t know what Netflix and Chill is. That means we fucking. After all, she said ‘Yes’.” I really get tired of repeating myself. Again, see #8
- She is into that kinky stuff. Um, so what? You know what the general rule of “kinky” stuff is – Safe, Sane, and CONSENSUAL. Unless you have a fucking conversation and she consents, you’re a got damn rapist. WHAT sexual acts she’s into and WHO she wants to do them with are two separate things. Learn the difference. Also, see #3 re: safe words.
- Promiscuity. If a woman fucks all your friends, the baseball team, the basketball team, the football team, and three members of the church, she can STILL say “NO” – to anyone, at any time, for any and no reason at all. Who a woman decides to have sex with is just that – HER DECISION. It is hers and hers alone to decide who and who not to have sex with at any given time. If she fucked 99 people in a gang bang, got to number 100 and said “Nah, I’m done with this shit’ then Mr. 100 take that fucking L, go jack off or go find someone who says “Yes” (without coercion). Because she does not owe you shit, especially not her body.
- She promised to give you some. Whether it was verbally, through dirty texts or any variation where the man was assured he was getting some. If I decide to go to the store, tell my friend I’m going to the store with them, then change my mind and go “Nah, I don’t feel like going to the store,” NO ONE questions that. Or let’s say you ask me for $500. I say “Yes. I’ll give it to you Tuesday.” Tuesday comes and I say, for whatever fucking reason I want, “You know what? I change my mind about the $500,” feel free to be salty as fuck. It’s your right. Hell, I would too. But if you go in my purse and take $500, you’re a got damn thief. If you take my ATM card and withdraw $500, you’re a got damn thief. I’m calling the cops. Hell, we all would call the fucking cops if someone stole our money just because they thought they had a right to it. Previous consent of my coins does not give you the right to grab money out of my purse. When a woman changes her mind about having someone touch and enter her body, people lose their fucking mind. “Noooooo, she can’t do that.” (Um yes she can). “She’s a tease.” (No the fuck she’s not. She changed her mind). Consent is not a disease that gets passed around and kept. The shit aint herpes. Once you have it, you don’t have it for life. Saying “Yes” to sex is not a “no-take-backsies” situation. Grow the fuck up. Learn to accept “NO.”
- If you give women drugs or alcohol with the intent of loosening them up, you’re a rapist and you’ve committed a premeditated crime.
- If you know a woman is under the influence (drugs or alcohol ) and think that’s the best time to get some, guess what? You’re a rapist.
- Her profession. If she works in the sex industry — stripper, porn actress, escort, etc.– she still has the right to say “NO”. Her profession does not take away her bodily autonomy.
- His profession. If he is the CEO, manager, clergyman, guard at a prison, police officer, immigration agent, TSA, president, etc. and uses his position of power as a means to get sex, he has taken away her autonomy. She has no power and therefore lacks choice. If saying “No” comes with consequences that can affect finances, freedom, work or religious environment, then it’s rape.
- Age. If she is a minor and says “Yes,” it’s still rape. I’m not talking about the girl who is 16 years old and the guy who is 17/18. I’m talking about R.Kelly type shit. She’s 13 and you’re grown as fuck. She’s 15 and you’re grown as fuck. Teenagers (and damn sure not kids) don’t even have the mental capacity to understand the consequences. Their brains are literally still developing. It doesn’t stop until early adulthood (think early to mid 20’s). Stop checking playgrounds and high schools for sex. You’re a predator. And stop sexualizing young girls talking about “they have a body like a woman.” They are NOT grown women. That is a natural part of body development. Girls get boobs. It is all the natural part of female development – periods, boobs (for some), ass (for some), hips (for some), height, etc. Stop sexualizing a natural process in the development of a woman. And pick up a fucking biology book if you don’t understand that shit is normal.
- If you think the action or talk of grabbing women’s pussies is NOT rape, then you’re enabling rapists.
- If you’ve ever put a woman in a position where she feels like she has to have sex with you to leave, you raped her. You are a rapist. Edited January 2018 – In light of the Aziz Ansari situation i will elaborate on this in a later point as it becomes nuanced as we talk about sexual assault, sexual coersion, rape, power, etc.
Bonus – Victim Blaming. Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence are about the only crimes where we blame the victim instead of prosecuting the assailant. It’s no surprise that those are crimes with primarily women victims. We attack a woman’s past, her decision, and her right to say “No.” Would you ask someone whose car got stolen “Why did you have a car anyway? You know car thieves like them?” Sounds dumb as fuck doesn’t it? That’s what victim blaming is.
If you disagree with any of these points and think that they are not examples of rape, then you’re a rapist and/or contribute to the rape culture that breeds rapists. And to be clear, you’re also an asshole and overall rotten human being. And to my sisters that have been in any of these situations, I’m sorry.
I’d realize that I used the pronouns she/he in a heterosexual context. Please know this applies for all genders, orientations, assignments, identities, and sexualities. “No” means “No” and you have autonomy.
Until next time…Be Free, Be Safe, Be Loved,